Straight Talk with Joan Marie: Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Posted by Intuition Girl
Question # 1
Dear Joan Marie:
My husband is ALWAYS mad at me. It seems that I am the blame for everything wrong in his life and in our relationship. If I submit, it’s never enough and if I don’t, I never doing anything for him (talk about a catch 22). 
According to him, I run around for everyone else and do nothing for him. We’ve been together for 13 years and married going on 6. Our relationship has always been rocky and we’ve gone to marriage counseling and I even went to individual counseling to work on my personal baggage but it seems as if even when things change they stay the same.
I am NOT perfect by far, but I have done a lot of compromising to accommodate his complaints, but even that goes unnoticed. Every time I change something about myself he has a new complaint about me.
There are things that I believe in and since he doesn’t he calls them bull. For example, I used to light candles and pray for people, he called it black magic, so I stopped. I still pray for people but now I don’t use candles.
The whole situation is getting to the point of “why bother”. I’ve changed, compromised, communicated and it’s as if I’m beating a dead horse. Sometimes I feel like what he really needs in a wife/partner is a robot (someone who can be programmed to accommodate his needs only and have none of their own).
Thanks for the shoulder!
EH
ANSWER:
Dear EH:
Recently, when I was on the radio in NYC I spoke with a woman who was very dissatisfied in her marriage. My suggestion was to write down a list of things she wanted her husband to say to her on a consistent basis and then share that list with him. Likewise, he was to do the same thing. The purpose of this exercise is to communicate your feelings, wants and needs with each other in a healthy manner.
Communication is the key ingredient here. From your comments, it sounds like you and your husband are not even on the same page! My wish is for you to sit down with him and share what it is you wish to experience in your marriage and what it is you are looking for.
He just might not be capable of giving you what you need. From what you said, it appears that he is a very unhappy person and quite possibly his anger and unpleasantness has nothing to do with you. Unfortunately, you are the one who is most visible to him so you get the brunt of his pain. It is not your job to change him. That is something he must do for himself.
You can only continue to work on you so that you will heal and grow. If he is not willing to look at his own “baggage” and his own need to heal and grow there is nothing you can do about it or your relationship. There is going to come a time when you will need to decide if you can continue to life with these issues because if he is not willing to work with you and the benefit of your relationship, you will need to look at why are you allowing yourself to be in a unhealthy situation.
Take your power back and make decisions that will benefit you. It is time you put you first. Balance and harmony is what we all seek.
Many Blessings,
Joan Marie the gift
One Response to “Straight Talk with Joan Marie: Conflict Resolution in Relationships”
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November 20th, 2011 at 4:31 pm
I completely agree. If you are at this place after 13 years, I can just about guarantee that things will not improve unless there is a strong commitment on both sides to make the necessary changes. Your husband is very unhappy and dissatisfied with himself and therefore is incapable of being happy with you or anyone else. Its hard to leave a relationship you’ve been in for a long time, especially if you have kids (which you didn’tmention) but getout you must before you lose you and then have to begin the long jouney back to finding yourself and/or reinventing yoursef. I am speaking from experience!